Top-Flight Fashion for the Beach

The “Long Walks on the Beach” Guy

Long Walks on the Beach Guy is rarely seen around high noon; he’s more the mysterious type who only seems to appear when a light breeze sweeps across the sand and the sun hangs low in the sky. He reveals deeply personal life stories at all the right times and probably knows the biological classification of shell species scurrying across the sand, down to the genus. When the credits roll, he kisses the girl.  

 

The “Probably Lives at the Beach” Guy


Whether it’s by choice or design, Probably Lives at the Beach Guy probably lives at the beach and as such has developed inexorable ties to its fashion. This look is for the more youthful and lean among us, but this guy is picked first for all the volleyball friendlies with the babes, who coyly ask him to explain the intricacies of bocce. He speaks an adapted form of “gnarl” or surf-talk but has a highly developed intellect, is surprisingly grounded and has probably changed more than a few females’ lives with his “like totally awesome outlook on life.”

 

 The “Fucking Guy Who Is Always Coming out of the Water Like David Hasselhoff or Some Shit” Guy

“WHO’S UP FOR SOME WATER POLO!!” This guy has no need for shirts: saggy, waterlogged, un-streamlined shirts. He needs only swim trunks: stylish, in-fashion swim trunks. He’s past the age of board shorts (so are you) and not delusional enough to prance around in a speedo, but he spends all his time in the water so he needs high-end, high-quality trunks with just a bit of ironic flash. 

The “After-Hours Campfire Crooner” Guy
Once all the gulls have quit their squawking, the After-Hours Campfire Crooner sets the soundtrack for the beach. He is universally loved and admired by all for his talents and always has a song up his sleeve to go along with everyone’s highly requested favorites. It’s weird because he’s normally a little shy, but all the girls fall for him when they hear “Hot in Herre” on a 12-string. He’s also the only guy smart enough to bring a sweater (a stylish one at that) to the beach, so he can loan it out to anyone (read: any woman) who gets cold.